Hard Core Movie & Video Review of the best XXX Porn movies, Adult VOD, and Pay Per Minute
posted by NastyBrains at 9:42 AM
Tonsil Tappers I watched all three and a half hours in one sitting and all I say is I don’t want to see another blowjob for 2 more weeks. The film is broken up into a series of episodes; this helps us narrow our masturbation cycle into 10-20 minute sessions. “Action Sports Sex #9” The film opens with a boy and girl on a mat, having intercourse. People off camera are talking to them, chatting them up, discussing the position, you know, whatever. Meanwhile the girl is sprawled out on what appears to be a gymnasium mat. She has a tattoo that spreads across her chest and claims she is enjoying the “biggest dick” she has ever had. Later, you also see someone in a martial arts outfit, a blue belt, standing with his arms crossed in the background- did they stop a karate class for this? Once in a while the couple gets lost in the sensation, but mostly they are humping to a peanut gallery- which is really bizarre. His balls slap into her clit ring, she has “the prettiest asshole”, you know? All that stuff. “The 8th Sin” This episode explores what a high class whore does when having sex with some random dude in a hotel room. I just don’t like her, everything is so forced, if you have to try so hard to be nice when you say “cum on my tits” then don’t say it at all. No tonsil tapping in this segment. Although, I do like her more than the “performer” used in a few segments, whose face looks like one of those dough Christmas ornaments, with a kind of German craft art influence. It appears as though his face is permanently baked into a frown. If that’s your “fuck me face” then something is terribly wrong. He makes appearance after appearance in this film and yet no matter the girl, the position or the place, he looks like a grandpa without his teeth. “Long, Short Story” Here is a tale of an ugly man performing cunnilingus on a woman. Having never licked another woman’s vagina before, I felt that it looked terribly disturbing with the red and pinkish color to the labia when swollen. All I could think of was red meat, not cooked all the way. Long, Short Story should be renamed Cold Cuts. When the camera is on her face, all I see are pretty, green eyes. She is really beautiful. Of course, nothing can detract from his big, hairy foot in the foreground and the curly hair on his thick legs in the background. No wonder she is looking at the camera. I wouldn’t be surprised if she suffered from whiplash later that night. No dude that ugly deserves such a vigorous bj. “Hard Tails” This portion of the film portrays basement sex with a woman in a God, awful wig, squealing “oh yeah” through her nose. No wonder as the guy she is stuck with looks gay. Her voice kind of rings out like a little electronic plane buzzing over head, “bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, (and a high pitched) –yelp!” I had a heart attack every time she let one of those out. Regan in the Exorcist was more seductive. There are commercials for more porn throughout. Now, if you are aching for more pornography after this- you have a serious problem. “Acting Out” I was at first admiring the use of sunlight flare over her shoulder as she was bobbing up and down during the blow-job, when all of a sudden the girl begins to make very disturbing gagging noises. I thought she was going to barf. A string of semen, or stomach acid, sticks to the end of his penis. Stopping, she claimed to know what she’s doing. It was the first time I’ve heard a porn star say that aloud, as if payroll wasn’t proof enough that she was expected to know what she’s doing. And then like a raving lunatic she growls, “fuck me” over and over with her red shoes straight up in the air. Her blow jobs sound disturbing, with a popping “ba, ba, ba” in her throat. I don’t exactly understand what happens when he demands that she “open, open, open,” and then says, “good girl,” but I am sure it has to do with her mouth, jaw or teeth. What happened there, I am not quite sure? Though, when his voice hits a permanent high pitch during orgasm, you know something has changed inside of him forever. The film ends with a couple having sex while standing on an empty stage. If you have to ask the crowd to applaud- you know you shouldn’t be on camera performing sexual acts. You just aren’t good enough. All in all, this porn is just more of the same.
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